The Valendick

It’s crept upon us at last, our favorite anniversary when lovers from across the world awkwardly fumble through shopping malls and Walmarts, driven by the desperate hope that they won’t have to fend off their sad and ugly world alone. We, here at Shipadick, have known love in all its forms (missionary, doggy-style, triple-sow cow, reverse cowgirl, and Rasputin’s wheelbarrow), so lean on us for guidance as you seek to expresseth the wanton ways of thy cowardly heart. 1. Roses are dead Don’t send flowers. They are pretty, and then they die. That kind of allegory will discourage even the sluttiest of Valentines. 2. Dinner please… Do you really want to be one of those obnoxious peasant couples who dines out of their league for one silly day of the year? Don’t become what you hate just for a chance at some toothy, drunken fellatio. 3. Don’t play the chocolottery You’ve spent the last year passive-aggressively suggesting your partner shed that extra weight, and you want to beg forgiveness with the very object of your indiscretion. Hypocrite! 4. Send a Cardboard Dick Since we’ve found love and have no bias in the matters of the heart, allow us to suggest a Valentine’s day gift that is certain to make that greased pig squeal. Ben Franklin once said, “A dick on the doorstep is worth two in the sack.” A true patriot and notorious lecher, we thinks Mr. Franklin meant that love and sex are in fact the same thing. Ask any black widow spider. You think she writes a sonnet before killing her boy toy? Hence, allow us to introduce the Ship A Dick Classic Valendick. Don’t settle for generic Hallmark-sponsored tomfoolery. Your valentine is original, so she deserves an original gift. Say I love you with a 29" long cardboard dick that's penetrating a heart. Add a free note card above. Every order is sent anonymously! Your secret is safe with us.   Some Frequently Asked Dick Questions: - Are the dicks sent anonymously? They sure are! The only clue of where it came from will be Ship A Dick’s return address on the shipping label.  Even if they email us asking who sent it, we’ll tell them it goes against our Ship A Dick Code of Ethics and we won’t give out that private information. - Are you sure they won’t find out I sent it?? I’m really worried… Rest assured your secret is safe with us! We have never and will never give out any order information. - How is this giant dick shipped? We insert the full length penis into a thin brown paper bag, seal it up, slap a shipping label on it and send it out into the wild via the United States Postal Service. Every order gets a large orange sticker that says "Fondle With Care' - How much is shipping? All dicks are shipped via the United States Postal Service. The cheapest shipping option is ‘First Class Mail’ and generally runs about $5 and takes 3-6 business days to arrive. The faster and more expensive option is ‘Priority Mail’. It costs about $7-$12 depending on the destination and will arrive in 1-3 days. All shipping costs will be calculated on the checkout page.  - How long does it take to get there? Generally, we ship dicks within 24hrs after they’re ordered, occasionally within 2 days of an order. No dicks are shipped on weekends; please time your order accordingly. If they are shipped via ‘First Class mail’ then it will take 3-6 business days to arrive once the order is processed. Faster shipping via ‘Priority Mail’ will get your dick there in 1-3 days after the order is processed. We do not guarantee the USPS won’t drop the balls on this.  - Will the recipient know I sent them a giant dick? Nope! They will only see ShipADick.com’s return address. It’s our dirty, little secret. We promise not to tell. - How thick is the dick? Dicks are made of 1/4″ double-walled gluten free, free-range, certified orgasmic cardboard. What they lack in thickness, they deliver, like a Creed slow jam, in beauty and grace. - What color are the dicks? Like your Aunt Edna’s underwear, white on one side, and brown on the other. - Why are you guys even doing this?!?!? Because shipping giant dicks to people brings us more joy than anything else in life (after handies from your mother of course.) - Do you live and operate ShipADick.com out of your parent’s basement? Yes… How’d you guess that?!?!?